I feel ever so lonely.

Surrounded by friends and family- loving, supportive, distracting.
Yet, I always feel as if I’m merely observing.
They involve me, they talk to me, try to get me to join in.
All the while, I just sit there, nodding and smiling, trying to refrain myself from resorting to drastic measures in order to stop the incessant numbness.

Q: no idea how i found your blog, but you seem incredibly interesting. i just thought you should know that.

Thank you very much, I appreciate that- I, of course, think I’m not at all interesting but it’s really nice that you think so.

asked by Anonymous

Things are not going to be okay.
I have a horrible feeling in my stomach.
Things are not going to be okay.
I have so much to do, so much expected of me and so little time.
Things are not going to be okay.
I need to stop pretending as if they will be.

Sunday dinner.

Food piled on the table, loud laughter surrounding it.
A typical family dinner.
The kind that always leaves me feeling exhausted, emotionally drained and upset.
There’s never a particular reason, no nasty arguments or familial feuds- everyone gets along nicely.
I just sit, picking at my food, not speaking unless spoken to.
It’s nothing I can blame on hormones or adolescence- it’s all in my head: uneasiness, awkwardness, anxiety.
What’s wrong, sweetheart? Are you ill?
I say nothing.
I’m not ill, not physically, not mentally.
There’s no need to worry, it’s all in my head.

"   Me dicen el desaparecido, fantasma que nunca está.
Me dicen el desagradecido, pero esa no es la verdad.
Yo llevo en el cuerpo un dolor que no me deja respirar; llevo en el cuerpo una condena, que siempre me hecha a caminar.   "

I need to be more:

• passionate.
• motivated.
• enthusiastic.
• interested.
• independent.
• responsible.
• diligent.